After life brutally punched me down on September 25, 2015, it also brutally asked me, through all the injustice and wrongdoing, will you trust God through the painful and heart wrenching midst of tragedy, trauma, pain, and loss; or will you self-destruct with hate, anger, and bitterness?
While we didn’t receive the miraculous miracle we prayed for and believed for here on earth, we did get the greatest miracle of Josh making it to paradise Heaven for eternity.
A huge hole in my soul exists from losing my Joshua, as he was my lifelong twin. I couldn’t even imagine living life without him…how he kept our hearts and home fulfilled with his majestic & contagious laughter; his signature smile that would melt anyone and everyone’s hearts; hearing his boots walk on the floor; smelling his dark roast coffee in the morning; watching tv and playing games with him; hearing the water run from his hour-long marathon baths; enjoying good food & fun with him; and hearing his melodious voice; his arms of hugs that held the deepest love; and a privileged front-seat view watching him and his princess Chloe live life together like life-bonding super glue.
Our tragedy completely destroyed my heart and there were times I wanted to give up. And then so much anger set in from so much injustice from Josh’s accident. There were only a couple of close family members choosing to truly be there for my hurting heart. Then anger started finding its way in from severely missing Josh. The anger of not being able to live life with him; and make so many more memories. It was killing me not being able to talk to him, hug him, love him, hear his laugh, and see those big beautiful blue eyes and his signature smile.
A heart recovering journey I’ll forever be on, I had to find my way back to God, who rescued Josh’s soul and saved him. I was faced with a God I had never known before after losing Josh, and it made me question everything and even all my lifelong beliefs in Him. And as I’ve stood, and still stand at times, in the flames of tortuous emotions of desperation and despair, this is me and my raw and exposed heart saying, “I still trust You God” and “I still love you God”.
Four of the many things I’ve had to learn, and still learning, is smiling, loving, laughing, & dreaming.
Smiling….It’s taken many enduring tears to be able to put a smile in front of the pain and to give that smile to someone else who needs to see it. We all have a signature smile and you never know whose heart your smile will imprint and make a difference to.
Laughing….It’s taken much forgiveness to put laughter in front of the hurts and to let that joy be contagious to someone who needs to hear it. We all have a signature laugh and you never know who’s heart your joy needs to leap in to.
Dreaming….It’s taken a lot of fire ignition from God to start dreaming again, one of the hardest things for me to do again, because dreams do help keep our hearts alive and you never know the multitude of people you will reach when your dreams become a reality.
Loving….It’s taken tremendous prayer and trust to keep my heart open to love through our tragedy and not holding back my love, but to keep giving it away so my own heart stays open to love and keeps growing in new ways.
When Life happens to all of us and sometimes knocks us down and even kicks us around while we’re down, we can either choose anger, bitterness and resentment; or choose love, trust, and forgiveness.
There are many people whose hearts are hurting from loss like mine. There’s also many people who suffer from depression, sickness, addiction, or anger from being so wronged by the ones they love…and not knowing how to forgive. There are many people who have lost hope from life hitting so hard.
None of us are exempt from tragedy, heartache, pain, loss, and suffering. And so today…I love you and encourage you to…
Keep your own heart open to love. Don’t let tragedy hold back your love – give it away and watch your heart grow in new ways.
Put a smile in front of your pain. Don’t let pain hide your smile – let it shine and imprint someone’s heart.
Put laughter in front of your hurt. Don’t let hurt stop your laughter – let that joy become contagious to others who need it.
And Keep your dreams alive. Sprout some action and watch the seeds grow in making them come alive, possibly touching multitudes of people.
Hugs, Love & Blessings ~ Audrey