Why am I sitting in the middle of Joshua’s clothes, shoes, and more? Because I knew sitting in the severe pain and feeling every ounce of it was the only way to release it for more healing to usher in.
I was completely devastated even going through everything of his. I thought I was ok until I started. I knew the time needed to come and when it did, I fell apart and literally melted down all over again. And I knew the only way for me to get through it was to intentionally step into the severity of the deep, jolting pain to be able to release any of it for healing to usher it’s way into my heart and soul.
Grief sucks! There’s no pretty words for it. It’s raw, messy and painful…period!! Losing a child is beyond devastating and leaves a huge hole in your soul. It’s taken me five years to be able to even attempt to go through Josh’s personal belongings. My first reaction was to walk out and leave everything untouched, thinking a huge part of him is still with us. And that’s what I did to begin with….I walked out crying my eyes out. I walked back in a little later to start cleaning out his drawers and closet, and I sat on his bed and cried an endless ocean of tears.
None of us are supposed to bury our children. No parents are ever supposed to endure this kind of indescribable, gut wrenching pain. But God is faithful and He shows up in the extreme messiness and He somehow someway gives us strength to pull it together and make the baby steps forward…NEVER forgetting about our precious Joshua, but moving forward with him and his legacy of deep love in us. Everything about who he was is a big part of who we become.
So I will pack my Joshua’s belongings up and keep them safely tucked away while we build a new house with new beginnings and I will go from there. But one thing for sure…I will unpack certain precious items to decorate our new home with….with him forever a part of it because those we love never ever go away, they are always right beside us every single day. And their spirit is forever alive within us.