We were forced to say goodbye to you Josh…our most precious son, grandson, brother, husband, and daddy on September 25, 2015 from someone not paying any attention to the road whatsoever. You were going to work that morning to make a living for your beautiful little family…only to never come back home that day to your little precious princess, Chloe Grace, only three, who would excitedly run to the door with arms wide open to hug you tight and give you wet little kisses all over. You were an incredible daddy and your love for each other was like life-bonding super glue and NOTHING could ever separate the two of you or your love for each other.
You were getting ready to attend firefighting school and EMT school to have an excelling career, and you would’ve been amazing Josh, because of your deep love and care for people.
It was a little stressful at times, but we wouldn’t have had it any other way…you, Alisha and princess Chloe living with us while we were working on building a house for your little family to call your own.
Every room in our home is so empty without you…especially your bedroom. I run to our over-sized, deep seated chair in our bedroom that envelops me while I curl up into a ball and cry my eyes out from watching your beautiful princess and wife sleep alone…all by themselves in your bedroom.
You are supposed to be here Joshua. You are supposed to be here to live life with all of us…making many more special and beautiful memories together.
Every one of our lives is completely shattered! All dreams each of us had with you are completely gone! We all have been severely stripped to the very core, leaving us hitting hard as we fall to the floor. Every one of us got shortchanged! You were your dads best friend (one of them – Jake’s the other). You are my identical twin. There is a huge hole in my soul from losing you. We were so much alike in every way, shape and form…and I could so many times feel what you were feeling. Jake lost his everlasting brother…the one he was supposed to grow old and share life with and make so many more memories with; and always be there for each other.
Your beautiful princess kneels down on her knees with her head buried in the floor…praying out loud to Jesus to please bring her daddy back to her because she misses him and loves him and needs him and knows her Jesus can do anything! How do we tell her Josh that He’s not giving you back to her? Or any of us?
You and Alisha had your whole lives ahead of you. Where does she go from here Josh? How does her heart survive without you in it? I remember seeing the giddy love for you in her eyes during your wedding ceremony, looking like she felt like her life was complete with you in it and a future that was so bright fully shining with promise. And now…I can only imagine how fearful she is of her future…but we promise to always take care of her and princess Chloe for you.
In her own words to you Josh…”You are not only my husband, but my best friend. I told you everything. You made me want to be a better me! You were my comforter and my shield! You gave life meaning and always knew just how to be there. Losing you Josh made me lose reason, and I realize I know nothing about life; and that we are not invincible. I will forever be changed. And I so long for a phone call, a text message, and your comforting, strong, loving hugs…that made me feel so special”.
We all had to say good-bye to you today Josh. None of us could hardly even get out of bed this morning. How could we even get dressed for your funeral, knowing what our painfully enduring day faced and held….not to mention the drive to the church that seemed endless. Seeing your lifeless body in the casket made us fall to our knees in disbelief, sadness, emptiness, and anger as to why you were even in there. Your beautiful little princess got so excited when she saw you laying in the casket. She said “daddy daddy” with her eyes beaming…thinking she was going to be able to talk to you. She kept trying to talk to you, but you didn’t answer. Her excitement quickly turned into tears rolling down her little cheeks as she said “Grandma…why won’t daddy talk to me?” She doesn’t understand any of this Josh, just as we don’t. Our hearts are hurting so bad that we just want to come to Heaven and be with you.
Your funeral was so big we had to hold it in the most beautiful church we’ve ever seen. All the flowers that surrounded your casket were breathtakingly beautiful…and so, so many! You were honored and loved in huge, powerful ways during your service by all of us; and the many friends and families that attended. We made our way to the cemetery and asked everyone to leave us alone while your casket was being covered back up with dirt after being lowered into the ground…so we could have that alone time with you; sitting together with just our family; while disbelieving all this was happening. We just wanted to go home and crawl into bed and sleep as long as we could to try and shut out all the pain…but we made our way over to the reception building and finished the painstakingly day.
The one thing we are clinging to is Holy Spirit being with us in the most amazingly, powerful ways…showing us that through the midst of our greatest tragedy…God is forever faithful and that He has you and you are safe and with Him forever. So many lives have been touched and changed because of your great life of love Joshua.
What lies ahead Josh…we cannot see. We only see and feel severe pain right now from missing you. But we will always allow your love that we will forever feel in our hearts to lead our way.
We don’t know how to live life without you; and nothing at all looks hopeful right now…but we are trying hard to choose to believe God has a bigger plan in all this; and that He will somehow, someway heal our hearts in baby steps, one second, one hour, one day at a time.
None of our lives will ever be the same again, but we know God will not only meet us in this mess, but sit right beside us in our messy tragedy; and He will hold us tight and lead us through this unknown territory that we don’t want to enter into…but have no choice. We will hold His hand tight and walk this new, undesired journey with hope running through our veins…believing all of this will make sense one day.
The grief and pain of missing you are so unbearable as we cry many tears, filling up fast, many countless tear buckets.
We are so numb Josh; and we never knew this kind of pain even existed. We will together face the pain and feel every ounce of it so we can somehow move forward into whatever the new normal is, believing God to strengthen us while holding our hurting and empty hearts…comforting them and kissing them with His beauty.
You are always on our minds and forever in our hearts; and your love Josh will help us one day to sing in the rain; dance in the wind; and glow in the fire. And saying goodbye to you isn’t forever…it’s just temporary. We love you Joshua Mark Green.