The air of Spring dances with a gentle breeze into our lives with swirls of a fresh, new season. For some, Spring means cleaning out the old and de-cluttering. For others it may mean starting over fresh or new in some area of life.
And then there are some who don’t, for various reasons, embrace the fresh, new season because their heart is so hurt and broken from life happenings and circumstances. Or maybe like myself, you lost your balance at the crest of the waterfall with a sheer drop that plunged you right into the pounding base, exhaustively trying to find the strength to rise up to the surface to escape the pounding waters of real pain and a severely broken heart.
It’s been eighteen agonizing months since losing my most precious son, Joshua. It’s taken me six seemingly lengthy seasons to journey my heart back to embracing newness and stepping into a welcoming reality that God really does desire to illuminate me with fresh new blossoms exploding in my heart.
Losing a child unexpectedly (or no matter how you lose them) severs every single fiber of your being.
Life as you knew and lived it is forever gone. I can now only imagine or dream of how life with Joshua still here would be…eating good food at favorite restaurants; watching NBA and lots of good movies and funny videos; riding around our property on our “pumped up” club car; splashing around in our pool and fishing from our ponds; building him a house for his little family; and just simply being blessed to share life with his huge heart of love and giving; and always enjoying that ever-so-contagious smile and laugh. God didn’t cause me to lose my balance at the crest of the waterfall….the enemy did. I so wanted to blame God and hate Him….the same One I so wanted to love and trust. It’s so easy to blame Him and so, so many of us do. Our God is not a life-stealer. Our God is a giver of life, love, and newness. And while our King Jesus is enjoying my precious Joshie Pie, I’m very human and raw, and have had the undesired privilege of riding the worlds most emotional roller coaster that ever existed.
I’ve gotten very angry and mad at God; ran into His arms of love; cursed at Him; told Him to leave me alone and I’ll leave Him alone; had amazing love encounters with Him; blamed Him; hated Him; and then loved Him….can anyone relate to life’s devastatingly raw emotions that hurl you in every direction on the roller coaster ride?
I had to fall in love all over again with our Creator and rediscover that God is L-O-V-E and He is the giver of life and all things new; and that He truly can restore, mend, and heal brokenness; ease our pain and suffering; and somehow, someway, restore our hearts and lives. Because the simple truth is – He hurts when we hurt – He cries when we cry.
On my lengthy journey to this new season called Spring, I learned how to expose my raw and wounded heart and be ok with how I felt and where I was in my journey of devastation…discovering how my most devastating and horrific pain somehow, someway, is turning me into a person I never thought I could ever be.
I am bruised, yet blossoming. Broken, yet beautiful. Lonely, yet living.
Letting my heart truly lead the way; listening to it; and allowing it to fully grieve and feel every ounce of real pain….Josh’s earth death, and his extraordinary love, has taught me to keep my heart open to love and rediscover that’s it’s ok to live life again, breath again, and smile again.
We’re in this life together and yes, while we all travel different journeys, we’re connected by our universal heart of love.
If you’re finding it difficult to enter into Spring’s new beginnings….this is for you….
I miss my precious baby doll every single day and I love my Joshie Pie forever and always. Pain is unavoidable. It will either tortuously cripple you or cause you to severely suffer; or you will use the devastating pain to discover how to tell your heart to beat again; get back up again; and realize moments in life are all we have to try and live to the fullest.
I’m rooting for every hurting and broken heart to fight; get back up in life; and allow Jesus to beautifully kiss the depth of your soul every single day. We’re in this life together; persevering together; encouraging each other together; and trying to finish strong together the race we call life.
Love, Hugs & Blessings ~ Audrey