The one question you don’t want anyone to ask, seems to be the one question everyone does ask, “how are you doing”?
If only someone would have been paying attention to the road and not failed to yield the right of way, turning directly in front of our precious son, brother, grandson, husband and father to his precious princess Chloe Grace (only 4 years old)…I would not hate this question so much. Four months ago today, a normal day of Josh going to work to make a living for his family, tragically ended and changed so many lives. Plans, dreams, and goals all shattered…forever gone. Your life can change in one day…one second…one phone call.
To answer this challenging question that so many ask, “how are you doing?”… I am going to share a piece of me with a piece of you.
When the tragedy of loss hits a family…
Speaking unfortunately from experience four months ago today, there is no greater pain than that of losing a child. A big part of you dies with them. When life forces you to walk in the shoes of parents who have lost children, that’s when you completely and undeniably understand the truest of pain they endure. Until then, parents never know this kind of pain even exists in their realm of emotions. It’s so surreal; it’s debilitating; it’s indescribable; and very spiritually humiliating and humbling.
Losing a child unexpectedly, suddenly, and so young…your life comes to a screeching halt. Life as you lived and knew it is completely gone. You are starkly faced with the reality that your lives will never be the same again and you will never be the same individuals you once were. You feel frozen, as if you are standing still on a rotating platform. The earth and life around you are slowly revolving. This platform is slowly turning 360° and you see everyone else’s lives moving forward and watch from a distance as their lives go on as normal with their families, daily activities, functions, and festivities. They get to laugh; they get to love their children longer; they get to have continued family fun and create family memories together. While you’re happy for them; you’re also at the same time, angered, because these opportunities and blessings, you feel, were taken or stolen from you.
You want so much to be angry at the One you so much want to love….your Creator and Maker, the One you were fashioned for and made for to love with all your heart, strength, and soul.
You manage to somehow, someway trend through the final arrangements of losing your child; wanting to seclude yourself from all the bombarding visitors who find their way out of love to show their support. And then one day not too long afterwards, everyone goes back to their life and then these insurmountable feelings of anger, seclusion, bargaining with God, denial, depression and acceptance start rushing in like a mighty wind and you find yourself in a whirlwind of loneliness, emptiness and sadness…trying to understand these raw emotions and feelings; all while life shows you it truly doesn’t stop. The weights of life just seem to keep stacking, not fully giving you the space of time to grieve and mourn in trying to find Gods healing, peace, and comfort.
There are times you shut down.
Times you cry uncontrollably.
Times you don’t hold back any punches and scream “why God?”…You could have saved him…You could have prevented the whole accident; You could have prevented fatal injuries.
Times you feel God has left you a thousand times over, and wondering why He would allow you to endure such pain, grief, and sorrow.
Times you smile when you are especially given a simple reminder of your precious child’s special qualities and character.
Times you rejoice in thanking God for knowing without a doubt your child made it to Heaven because their name is written in the “Book of Life”.
Times you fall apart.
Times you hate the world.
Times you just want to reach out and talk to someone.
Times you shake like a leaf when you see your four-year-old granddaughter down on her knees praying, asking Jesus to please give her daddy back to her because she needs him and misses him.
Times you close everyone out; and many, many times you realize you cannot make it through this without the God who does allow lives to be taken.
Times when you feel like you can get back up and find the boxing gloves to fight again in life.
And times when you feel like you’re never going to be able to find a way to get back up.
You also do fully realize all these whirlwind emotions can happen in one single day. And then your heart is deeply penetrated by the let-downs of thinking all your family members and friends will be there holding your hand, only to feel so hurt, disappointed and so abandoned by the ones who choose to go back to the busyness of their lives because they don’t feel the hurt you do. Some of them make promises, only to break them. And then you have the very few special ones who will never give up on seeing you through; praying you through; and consistently encouraging you through the darkest hours of your life. They show you they are not leaving you, no matter how messy you get, or how upside down you feel.
They put the boxing gloves on for you and fight when the enemy is trying so hard to win. No matter how much effort and time they have to put into helping you find the strength again in God…to allow Him to pull you up back on your feet…they are in this desolate place with you for the long haul. Their love sees you through your darkest hour that so many others don’t want or appear to be concerned with.
Life is not a rainbow; it’s only a reminder of a covenant promise from God. Life will kick every one of us around…down to our knees and sometimes down flat. And then sometimes life even kicks us around while we are down. It’s in these devastating and torturous moments you catch a glimpse of Jesus’ sharp, piercing eyes of love. You hear a soft, quiet, whisper cheering you on to keep your love rooted strongly in Him so He can make your faith and trust in Him firm and unwavering. God never promised life to be easy, just better if we allow Him to be the champion.
As Sylvester Stallone quoted in Rocky…”It’s not how hard you hit; it’s about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward.”
And one day Holy Spirit helps you realize you can let anger arise and lead the way to bitterness, resentment, and a destructive life of hate and anger; or you can let adversity be your teacher and allow God to somehow, someway reconstruct you, rebuild your life and continue to show you His master plan as you walk and live it out with perseverance…finishing strong the race that He has set before you, so you can cross over that finish line into Heaven to be reunited one day with your precious child and preceded loved ones.
In moments of sobbing desperation and despair, and so needing and wanting answers, and those feelings of anger, rage, fear and doubt wanting to reside, that’s when the spirit of God’s love shows up on the scene and allows you to free-fall into His strong arms and enveloping you in His comforting presence.
Only through Gods manifested strength, do you realize…
How His love helps you see just how blessed you were instead of feeling cheated; focusing more on your precious child living forever in Heaven with Jesus…that they reached the ultimate, final destination.
How His love helps you see His hope to make it through each day; how His love helps you find His joy unspeakable when you do find it difficult to smile or find happiness.
How you realize how much His love truly is faithful and unending; and how His love will guide you through your sadness. This kind of love helps you realize your many special, daily, amazing memories you were blessed with in creating with your precious, “gift from God” child.
Just as you keep the heart of your children’s love locked up in your heart, you realize you must do the same with God to maintain strength in your relationship with Him. It’s all about relearning to rest in His quiet, still presence, and allowing Him to love on you and kiss you all over with His blessings; showing you His perfected ways in all this tragedy and pain; knowing that the One who never leaves you is the One who never changes; and having to discover His new path, His new plan, and His new purpose in your life. It’s in those moments of being brutally punched around and punched down flat to the ground, knowing the raw wounds will never heal completely, that you can say “I still trust you God”, “I still believe in You”, and “I still love You”.